I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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