one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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