I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think your dad took our porno
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize