I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
did i just pee glitter
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
