I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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