i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
