i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
And then he peed in my hair
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