I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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