So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
