he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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