I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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