I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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