You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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