it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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