Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
