Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
