I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
