I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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