well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
