Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
