Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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