my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
