I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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