I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
