My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize