i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
