You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
