I faked an abortion last night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
