The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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