I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
