I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
