OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
