It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
