and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
