My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
