I think scott just propositioned me for sex
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
