god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
