He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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