Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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