i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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