I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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