On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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