The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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