didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
