Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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