ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
