I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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