Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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