I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
