Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
