remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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