Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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