Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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