He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
