life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
