cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
