i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize