Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
